Barking Mad
Respected Sheffield Wednesday manager Peter Shreeves has been accused of “losing the plot” by a source close to the club. “ I think it’s the pressure of having to deal with a squad that clearly needs an injection of cash, but the club are broke” said the mole.
In his frustration, the experienced manager is using increasingly testing tactics to outwit opponents. “ Once the dreaded Xmas Tree formation was used against Burnley I knew there were problems because it’s only August and it’s unlucky to have your decorations out before December ( allegedly)” said fanzine editor and respected pundit Sir Stanley Headfire.
Now, in a departure from tactics seen in the professional game, Shreeves is to use camouflage as a tantalising technique. Our man in the inside said “ He plans to get Gerald Sibon to dress as a tree and then when Alan Quinn starts on one of his runs that end up going towards the corner flag, he will throw the stick into the 18 yard box and shout go fetch it boy.” “ I can see it working” said Sir Stanley Headfire.
Shreeves who played punk legend Mick Jones in 1970’s band The Clash declined to comment. However, our man on the inside who also claims to have been The Clash’s hairdresser said “ I think that the idea came from a concert in Hammersmith when Peter was late. He had been doing his cab round and had to get into his Mick Jones costume while he was climbing on the stage. Joe had the hump proper and said he’s look better dressed as a tree with a stick or something.”
A club spokes person said, “ The whole thing sounds ludicrous to me. Next you’ll be claiming the Michele Di Piedi has based his hairstyle on Jack Lemmon’s Daphne in Some Like It Hot.
Barmy Blair’s Tory Army
The Shite has long battled to keep politics out of football but now we say well done to Mr Blair from the Mondeo middle classes of Mosborough. In a brilliant new scheme designed to bring back a sense of community, Premier Blair has teamed up with friend and colleague Home Secretary David Blunkett. The two are working on a plan to scrap community service orders for non-violent criminals to replace them with compulsory season tickets to watch Sheffield Wednesday.
Shite reader Laughing Dave overheard the scheme being planned. “ Tony and David were in the garden at the Barracks with Shirley Bassey and Wee Jimmy Crankey. I was in the toilet and although I never saw them, I overheard the entire conversation through an open window that was slightly ajar.”
“They said that a spell in the army never did anyone any harm and the community would benefit. They mentioned Wednesday’s being good and then in what I presumed to be code one of them was asked to pass the seasoning. It was easy to piece together really, particularly after 15 pints of Budvar” said Mr Dave (57).
The Shite says you have to be tough to be fair. It might sound extreme to make anyone sit through a whole season of Sheffield Wednesday games as punishment for what some people would say are relatively minor crimes. The Shite says give it a rest you bloody bleeding heart liberals, with a scheme like this they won’t do it again.
Peace is Breaking Out
It was war, war, war at Wednesday when those lefty troublemakers WISA were littering the streets and minds of young children with their filth and propaganda. Now it is all change in sunny Sheffield 6 with the formation of a modern mature approach from supporters who have got together to form the Wednesday Trust. Gone are the days of attacking the Board and Chairman and in their place is a benevolence that the The Shite can loudly applaud.
Rovering reporter Sir Stanley Headfire said, “ I was listening at the door at the last Supporters Trust meeting and I clearly heard the nice Mr Hemmingbum say that they should have fans on the board. Given that it was particularly hot summer, I think this sounds a splendid idea. You can’t expect a gent to cool down by gin and tonic alone”.
The Shite says good on you lads. The rich man in his castle, the poor man at his gate. God made them high and lowly and ordered their estate.