There’s nothing I like more than a bit of lap dancing. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m as outraged as your next new dog and my sympathy goes out to the women’s groups who are picketing the new Spearmint Rinehart’s club on Brown Street (though I always liked that style of jazz guitar playing).

But when you want a proper night out for a group of daft men who live their life in adolescence what better than a lap dancing club that sells all the watered down cooking lager you can drink for £10. Better still, find one in L**ds – that should guarantee a quiet, safe passage for the evening.

Now, it is interesting that when that nice Mr Thompson or anyone else associated with Sheffield Newspapers mentions “that incident” they use the work “allegedly” more often than Hefki Shufki hits the corner flag from a shot within the six yard box. That old journalist’s trick used by the Daily Mail when referring to the Blairs or by the Sun when referring to some minor royal with somebody else's party frock on at a New Year party – the word “allegedly” – did it really happen and if so will we get our crown jewels sued off if we said it did?

The word on the street on the L**ds lap dancing front says it did. The note of caution is because the full facts are yet to emerge. But as my Dad has long said “never let the facts spoil a good story”. So let me begin.

Allegedly, the boys were indeed out on a Christmas steamer. Nothing wrong with that you might think, we all go in for that sort of thing. While we may not include pole dancing or lap dancing on the menu, there has been many a night in the Olddogsbollocks where the WOTMT crew have got their own party frocks on when the Dizzy Club have had the mojo working.

But what went wrong in L**ds was (allegedly) a huge misunderstanding. It began with Big Kev taking the captain’s lead and showing how the old pole dancing should be done. Not a pretty sight you may think, but hey it’s Christmas. The problem was though that Kev is not really built in the same way as your average pole dancer. One good swing and £750 worth of stainless tubing has a distinct kink in it.

By itself this could probably have been seen as an accident but worse was to follow. Allegedly new Piggy hero Dean Windass was in the same club dressed as Joanna Lumley. Local lad Dean is always up for a laugh and thought he’d try some of the old lap dancing with the first team squad. Now, if you can’t see a size five regulation football (not well enough to be able to head it or trap it when it’s coming towards you) then you’re probably going to have a problem distinguishing between the real Joanna Lumley and Dean Windass.

So, now the trouble began. Dean of course does not have that tittering second name for no reason and fuelled with twelve pints of lager and a lamb vindaloo the boy lived up to his name. Hence the innocent boys in blue and white (who by this time had only had two pints of cooking lager) falling about and throwing up their pre-session KFCs. Not drink then, but a piggy/L**ds/Bradford conspiracy to discredit the boys when they are already feeling down and stuck on that old bluenote.

It is of course a disgrace and I will be writing to the Prime Minister personally to ask for his intervention. My understanding is that Tony keeps a keen watch on all things Wednesday as his Political chums the Gang of Four keep him posted on goings-on. He’s even offered to help by putting any of the lads up out of town for a short period if they need it. He has a spare flat in Bristol (allegedly).